Final Countdown

“What did you learn in 2017?” I asked, hoping to get an answer that will make me write again.

“It’s too late in the night to think about that, my brain doesn’t even want to work now”. I hung up, I missed him more.

 

As I sit in a wooden chair in front of my computer on a wooden desk, at a local coffee shop, allowing myself to take tiny bites of the cold chocolate croissant… I appreciate, again, how everything around me is composed of numerous details that I fail to realize every day. It is something that I learnt over the past month to get ahead of my anxiety. I look around, find something, and describe the edges of it. The softness, the colour, the shape, the noise it would make if I knocked on it. Today, instead of putting my earbuds, I sit at a table shared with other people and stay half attentive to all the noises around me. I do not need to know what they talk about, I just let the crowd comfort me.

This year, I learnt that judgement is bad. Using judgement over yourself is worse. I try not to do that now. I remind myself that I am strong but if I struggle, I am not the only one that is in pain.

You can make friends by forcing them to hang out with you. Thank you. Max, Tina and my long-lost brother Sam. I appreciate all of you individually.

Waking up after seeing bad dreams do make me angry. As much as I want to limit my caffeine intake, I was gifted a coffee-maker couple months ago, and the smell of the brewing coffee makes me love life again.

I wanted something so dearly for my future, I could not afford it and only thing I said to myself was that it was going to happen. It did. I am going on an adventure, and It feels so satisfying to say it.

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I am waiting to have some of the turkey stuffing on Monday, then, the Christmas lights to be taken down. I am waiting to smell my grandmother’s cookies coming out of the oven we have here, only me and my mom would make them. It would still smell the same (I am not convinced).   I am waiting to see my beddings actually do fit into my luggage (I need to call Flight Network…). I am waiting to drive to Vancouver airport and wait for my seat number to get called to go into the plane. Then, I’ll wait to go home some more. I am not waiting in a painful way, and it is not waiting that makes the world turn in circular motion.

You get the idea. Instead of moving all the time, I wait for things to come, and It is not an ordinary feeling.

 

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