Tag Archives: diary

[Life Update] Being published, bored, and alive

It is a gloomy day here in my hometown; particularly one that requires a cardigan for any living soul indoors. How do I feel? How do I feel? I haven’t given this writing thing a go for a while. (Oh, I am sure you have noticed). So, I am not going to worry about hooking you, the reader, much today and I’ll just let it flow for the next bit. Ok? Ok.

A few sentences in conversation with my mother at a time that seems long ago now is somewhere easy to reach in my mind.

“I don’t know how you keep writing. I wouldn’t be able to write unless I had feedback, I knew people were reading.”

“Oh, that’s not me. I do it for me. Sort of therapeutic.” (Obviously did NOT spell therapeutic right on the first go. Ha-ha!)

The moral of the story… the moral of this story. Obviously, it seems I have not been the woman of my words, not as strongly as I wished. What have I been doing? I have been writing for people to read, sort-of-awkwardly freelancing, barely making enough money to support a living, and… well… I am published on a nationally recognized paper—certainly not globally and certainly not English. (I’ll probably compile and share them all here at some point but don’t let me get ahead of myself here, please). 

Being a recognized author by close family has been good and my dad is quite proud of me (I don’t get it but it’s cool). The work I do mainly requires me to talk to credible people about current events, ask questions, and transcribe their insights. I was high off it writing the first few articles; then, there came a point in which it wasn’t satisfying anymore. Hence, I came to recognize that any writing, for me, has to have the right dose of me in it.

This does not I am quitting writing altogether. And quite frankly, I do not have many things that fulfill my soul at the moment. I live to create and create to live. In the image of you, God. 

This means amidst increasing covid cases, continuing travel restrictions, and my more and more horrified outlook in life in general, I am trying really hard to act like everything is normal. In reality, things are far from normal, we are all going through it in some way, and, well, it sucks.

My plan? My plan? My plan. (The more you say it the better it sounds like a good idea to invent an agenda-like smartphone app with the same name). Yes, my plan is to… I don’t have a plan. Until January? I am ready for 2020 to be over like the next person. I hope this little text will let you know that I don’t want to be absent on my blog anymore, but I also don’t know how to not be absent. Motivation comes and goes these days. 

Maybe I’ll write a little more today. No promises.

Miss you. You, and the blog that doesn’t have a soul.

Hazal

[Memoir] Being “Me” During Self-Imposed Quarantine: Sanity, Where are you?

In the beginning, I played the guitar; in the end, I watercolored.

I am almost hitting the month two threshold during the piece of the pandemic that is my own. To elaborate, I’d like to think that I am experiencing the pandemic my own way, and you are living through it the way you know best. So, here is what is going down in my world (I sprained my wrist vacuuming so I’d like a set of claps right about here for persevering through it and writing).

A moment for claps.

Let’s try it again. So, here is what is going down in my world: My sleep has been good until right about a few weeks ago; as of now, I genuinely struggle and talk to the little voice in my head and try to think of the reasons why I am a good person, and hence, I should find my way to heaven after a few God-time-measures spent at a blank space (preferably white but I am almost sure it will be black). God forgive my sins for what I have written. Next? I have been fasting for religious purposes (Hey! Here is an article), and mostly feeling guilty for the days I skip a few days for no specific reason except the bloaty feeling I get every evening when we break the fast. I could spend time explaining it to you, but I probably should go off on another tangent before I hit the wall. I clearly have a lot of headaches; I am not sure if it is because of fasting or the bad air inside my house. I swear fresh air feels different. Yes, I open my windows regularly and it is not the same. I recently listened to a quaran-tune (see what I did? Patent that shit) by Justin Bieber, frankly that is not a convincing cause of the condition for my doctor that I cannot visit.  I kind of want to say thank you for listening and leave now because I poured out all the funny in me and I think that was all.

Gee, tough audience.

On a serious note, I wanted to check in with you (Hey! Here is a two-minute survey for students and grads) and see how you are doing in these challenging times. It isn’t always easy to stay still physically, but it is another deal to be still mentally. I am not doing all that great… I am just about surviving. Please reach out if I can help you in any way.

On Writing: A Letter About Socks and Finding Inspiration

A couple of housekeeping notes before we start,

  1. If you like the content on this blog or simply want to buy me coffee and you are too far to do that in person, visit my Ko-Fi page.
  2. Take this 1-minute survey for my curiosity. I am working on a new article on streaming services for this blog. It will be a little different because it is research-based. I want to write about what you think about the fathers of the streaming services like Netflix, and the newcomers like Disney+. Please note that if you leave a comment, they may be published on this website. Feel free to leave your name in there if you’d like a shout. The survey link is here.
  3. Here’s is an additional 30-second survey on Disney Plus. If you’ve already purchased a membership (or not) let me know your thoughts.
  4. It seems like the blog will be quiet until the end of December. Please bear with me until I go through this transitional season of life. Read more about it below.

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[Photoblog] 2018 in Review: I did all this?

2018 was my ride or die. It was full of moments that left me in awe, put my capabilities in a trial, overwhelmed me with joy and with its last bit, challenged me with deep sadness as well.

I love the photoblogs because it has always been hard for me to see the small successes. As I looked through these moments, I said to myself, “I did all this?“. Believe me, there were a lot of question marks, not just one.

As always, thanks to the many friends I made along the way.

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Choices and Changes

I remember a significant scene of two friends talking in front of the entrance of the gym that I work. One of my co-workers was ranting about the future and how she was getting serious with her boyfriend and she wants (and probably needs) to get married to her boyfriend within the next couple of years. I am usually interested in almost every conversation at work… This one, I half or quarter-listened, it really did not matter to me… up until now.

I am twenty-two, hardly earning enough money to pay for my peanut butter consumption, gym membership and half of the books that my university requires. Apparently, I need to write a thesis this year, what the heck is a thesis? Is there a way to not live with my parents when I graduate? Because I am literally, mentally, and unapologetically done. Oh, and I probably am scared as hell about getting married… Wooow, did I just type that? Okay, let’s stop here.

I have been told by someone that no one can interfere with your life unless you let them. I once was in one of the many unpleasant arguments with a family member, I probably said something like “I am fed up with this, and I want you to stop trying to make me unhappy all the damn time”. She, as always, replied, “It’s your choice to be unhappy, I did not make you”. Just writing this, I still want to punch her face even though I understand the meaning behind the words now.

The TV series “Fi” that I recently started watching revolves around a beautiful dancer and a famous psychiatrist who is obsessively in love with her. He manipulates her life a great deal using his wisdom and money; he changes her career, ruins her relationship and quickly “takes” her to himself. But, I hope you got the hint because even the way I describe it right now is faulty.

No one, I repeat, no one can interfere with your life, cross over your lines, manipulate or change you. No one has the power to do that unless you want them to, or you let them.

After I realized that this is the way it is, the remedy to all of my problems was simple… Trust yourself, trust the Greater Power if you believe, and trust that there’s a plan that only works only for you.

I need to crash the taboos within my own mind. I know you probably have your own, too. All I know is that I will live, but I’ll do it my way.

I will be free. I will be free. I will be free.

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[Photoblog] What you and I have been waiting for.

A quite hello from me,

I’ll try one more time. Hello. I miss writing here.

I have a lot that I have been holding close to my heart that I would like to share with you. I’ll try justify why I haven’t been able to pour myself out to Hazal’s Camera. My time in Washington, DC, came to an end. Just couple of weeks before I left the penthouse apartment, my one-year-old laptop let me down. Don’t even ask me about it, in the words of one of my favourite co-workers at the little organization I spent most of my days in DC: it was “tragic”. I left writing all together for a little longer than I would’ve liked, and embraced being upset about leaving yet another place– And, returning home.

So it is. I am torn into pieces, but I am also home to collect one that I left over here. With the courtesy of Hazal’s Camera, where I see things more clearly: Here is home.

Isn’t it lovely all alone?

Yesil Turbe

Side view of the Green Tomb (‘Yesil Turbe’). May 20, 2018

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The Green Tomb (‘Yesil Turbe’) entrance. May 20, 2018

Yesil Turbe

Looking out from within. May 20, 2018

A couple praying for the spirits of the Sultans who served in Bursa during the Ottoman era. May 20, 2018

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The Green Mosque

The Green Mosque.

The tomb was finished 40 days before the death of Celebi Sultan Mehmet (the 5th Ottoman Sultan). The tomb is also home for Celebi Sultan Mehmet’s daughters and sons, as well as Yildirim Beyazid’s son, Celebi Mehmet. May 20, 2018

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Flip the coin to the other side: Ataturk’s Turkey. May 19, 2018.

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Commemoration of Ataturk, Youth and Sports Day. May 19, 2018

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Tophane, top of the old historical Bursa. May 20, 2018

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The view from Tophane. May 20, 2018

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The new highway in process (view from Mudanya to M.Kemalpasa road) May 13, 2018

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Kids playing, view overseeing Trilye yacht marina. May 13, 2018

“Liars, cheaters, traitors”

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I have recently been challenged to stay silent about something that I view as so wrong. I’d think it would be considered terribly wrong by every single person on earth.

Then I realized, this wasn’t the first time I’ve seen someone being lied to, betrayed or graciously cheated on.

“Oh, I will stop once we get together anyway,”

“Avery knows about it, Avery is okay with it,”

“I just need the attention, that’s all”

Two truths and a lie? Or a dump of lies? I’ll let you decide. I was the one to believe a lot of kind words, too and I have fallen asleep thinking I have been waited on. I survived, but one question remains: Why do people cheat?

Blake, simply explained she liked to be around males, she liked the male energy. She lied to the people she knew, saying the seven guys she meets weekly were very cool friends (only). I hoped they were friends. But, she did not have any emotions attached as she was hurting them, and they were not aware that she was married. She is still married, and Avery has no clue.

I constantly deal with her hiding seven different partners from her husband whom I never met. Blake says Avery is loving, kind and makes her a better person. I wondered if this was because she was away from Avery that she became a bad person? Has this been on-going or has just started because they are apart? What do I do about it?

Ideally, I would shut the fuck up and live my life. But, the stupid person that I am, I have all this information in my brain and yet have been suffering from anxieties and feeling like shit. Things I do not understand make me feel like shit. Injustice makes me feel like shit. Having to stay silent when these things happen around me, certainly make me feel like shit. I cannot stand idle.

Here is a rundown. When I personally went through a similar situation, the person I thought I loved had a tough childhood. I tried to become the band-aid and he ripped it off and threw it away, stayed silent and left me lingering. Injustice.

One of Blake’s guys, the number four, found out she was married. Blake told the number four she was in process of divorcing. She did this to keep sleeping over at his place, playing games. Injustice.

Another friend of mine, Jared, loved his girlfriend, but not her body. He kept talking about other girls he would see and how beautiful they were. Not even using the term sexy, which would remind me of lust more than anything. His girlfriend was older, he kept trying to break it off with her. She was insecure, but I think he was scared to be alone. His mind would always linger, I never knew if he cheated but I knew he lied. Injustice.

Why do people cheat?

I’d go as far as to say: Skewed moral compass. Although it cannot justify any of these stories, it can mean that there is somewhere along the way these people struggled to know what was right and what was wrong. Society, especially American society, is so focused on having individual freedoms that it is hard to agree on moral actions anymore. If it is right to have six other guys on the side for Blake, maybe I am stupid to worry about something as small as returning a coin to the metro station merchant. All I know is, it is wrong to hurt other people. If it would cause the guy dropping his coin to not have enough money for dinner, for me to take it away would be simply injustice. It would hurt Avery to find out about Blake, injustice.

Liars, cheaters, traitors. They are all around. Do not stay silent if you know it is hurting someone.

Future

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3 am: Woken up by external noises. 4 hours long “The Best of Classical Music” on YT. Headphones on because external noises are louder and more consistent. Steam is downloading “Civilization V” demo. Oops, it’s completed. I’ll be right back.

Legit 3 am: I was overexaggerating how late it was before. I am surprised my computer can run Sid Meier’s greatest treasure, considering it is a baby gaming computer. Well, thank you, computer Gods. Getting 15 mins into the game, I heard a familiar Turkish hymn melody in the background, ‘Come, see what love has done to me. Like the river rapids raging for eons, my worrisome heart wrecked on the rocky shore. Master’s away I’m withering. Come, see what Love has done to me’.

Future. Thinking about future is like thinking about God, death or thinking about the fact that I am traveling over 24 hours to an unknown place, all alone. Or I am 4 years old again, having to read a poem in front of the kindergarten parents. Not thinking about it, finding or pushing myself into it. Possibly freaking out the moment of, then, the prevalent feeling. All is gone, comes tranquility. I have done that very many times, so it is a familiar friend to me.

 

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A piece of artwork that represents future to me. ARTECHOUSE, DC.

 

Making decisions have never been easy for me. Some people struggle to choose between an Oreo mint and strawberry cheesecake milkshake, but they can make life-changing decisions very easily. Some people do it the other way. I genuinely struggle if I think. So, I don’t.

I have been putting it away and up the shelf lately, so I don’t reach it, and I can’t think it. I have also been eating sugary wonderful treats because I am a stress eater. No big news here.

Growing up, I was told not to ask so many questions about creation, or the creator, because it would lead me to a rabbit hole. It would be a mind trap. I just needed to believe without a subsistent reason. I think that is how the future should be too. At least, for me.

I do not know the way, don’t know where it will take me, don’t know how it will get me there, don’t know who will be there with me at the end of the road, don’t know how to plan it because there is no plan.

Re-reading the above is overwhelming… I praise living your life to the fullest, but when you have everything, how narrow can you squish your future into a lens that will be fulfilling?

Final Countdown

“What did you learn in 2017?” I asked, hoping to get an answer that will make me write again.

“It’s too late in the night to think about that, my brain doesn’t even want to work now”. I hung up, I missed him more.

 

As I sit in a wooden chair in front of my computer on a wooden desk, at a local coffee shop, allowing myself to take tiny bites of the cold chocolate croissant… I appreciate, again, how everything around me is composed of numerous details that I fail to realize every day. It is something that I learnt over the past month to get ahead of my anxiety. I look around, find something, and describe the edges of it. The softness, the colour, the shape, the noise it would make if I knocked on it. Today, instead of putting my earbuds, I sit at a table shared with other people and stay half attentive to all the noises around me. I do not need to know what they talk about, I just let the crowd comfort me.

This year, I learnt that judgement is bad. Using judgement over yourself is worse. I try not to do that now. I remind myself that I am strong but if I struggle, I am not the only one that is in pain.

You can make friends by forcing them to hang out with you. Thank you. Max, Tina and my long-lost brother Sam. I appreciate all of you individually.

Waking up after seeing bad dreams do make me angry. As much as I want to limit my caffeine intake, I was gifted a coffee-maker couple months ago, and the smell of the brewing coffee makes me love life again.

I wanted something so dearly for my future, I could not afford it and only thing I said to myself was that it was going to happen. It did. I am going on an adventure, and It feels so satisfying to say it.

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I am waiting to have some of the turkey stuffing on Monday, then, the Christmas lights to be taken down. I am waiting to smell my grandmother’s cookies coming out of the oven we have here, only me and my mom would make them. It would still smell the same (I am not convinced).   I am waiting to see my beddings actually do fit into my luggage (I need to call Flight Network…). I am waiting to drive to Vancouver airport and wait for my seat number to get called to go into the plane. Then, I’ll wait to go home some more. I am not waiting in a painful way, and it is not waiting that makes the world turn in circular motion.

You get the idea. Instead of moving all the time, I wait for things to come, and It is not an ordinary feeling.

 

Sitting still.

Good morning.

As I sit down here, finishing up with my second bowl of cereal, I have to be honest, I am not sure where this post is going. I might be mocking myself a little today. I am feeling somewhat blue but nothing unfixable. Let me try to explain without giving out much detail. Past week has been… lazy nights, lazy mornings, showing some love to the house I am in, kitchen kitchen kitchen, yummy smells, extremely hot weather, hands together and so much love that I felt full in my heart.

I am grateful. I wait for this kind of time every year for it to last only a few days. Some of you might relate. Continue reading