Short Poem

Tame your demons

Walking on a tightrope

A thin rope

As delicate as you are

It’ll slip and tear every way

Twist it into a harness

Hold it tight

Give it all you have

With your rituals and candles

It’ll slip and tear every way

Don’t have to be tight

Don’t have to be too close

Don’t need a mirror

Don’t need to numb it

At least not right away

You can see it in every way

The last word doesn’t change

 

Tame your demons

Or don’t

 

Don’t.

 

“Liars, cheaters, traitors”

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I have recently been challenged to stay silent about something that I view as so wrong. I’d think it would be considered terribly wrong by every single person on earth.

Then I realized, this wasn’t the first time I’ve seen someone being lied to, betrayed or graciously cheated on.

“Oh, I will stop once we get together anyway,”

“Avery knows about it, Avery is okay with it,”

“I just need the attention, that’s all”

Two truths and a lie? Or a dump of lies? I’ll let you decide. I was the one to believe a lot of kind words, too and I have fallen asleep thinking I have been waited on. I survived, but one question remains: Why do people cheat?

Blake, simply explained she liked to be around males, she liked the male energy. She lied to the people she knew, saying the seven guys she meets weekly were very cool friends (only). I hoped they were friends. But, she did not have any emotions attached as she was hurting them, and they were not aware that she was married. She is still married, and Avery has no clue.

I constantly deal with her hiding seven different partners from her husband whom I never met. Blake says Avery is loving, kind and makes her a better person. I wondered if this was because she was away from Avery that she became a bad person? Has this been on-going or has just started because they are apart? What do I do about it?

Ideally, I would shut the fuck up and live my life. But, the stupid person that I am, I have all this information in my brain and yet have been suffering from anxieties and feeling like shit. Things I do not understand make me feel like shit. Injustice makes me feel like shit. Having to stay silent when these things happen around me, certainly make me feel like shit. I cannot stand idle.

Here is a rundown. When I personally went through a similar situation, the person I thought I loved had a tough childhood. I tried to become the band-aid and he ripped it off and threw it away, stayed silent and left me lingering. Injustice.

One of Blake’s guys, the number four, found out she was married. Blake told the number four she was in process of divorcing. She did this to keep sleeping over at his place, playing games. Injustice.

Another friend of mine, Jared, loved his girlfriend, but not her body. He kept talking about other girls he would see and how beautiful they were. Not even using the term sexy, which would remind me of lust more than anything. His girlfriend was older, he kept trying to break it off with her. She was insecure, but I think he was scared to be alone. His mind would always linger, I never knew if he cheated but I knew he lied. Injustice.

Why do people cheat?

I’d go as far as to say: Skewed moral compass. Although it cannot justify any of these stories, it can mean that there is somewhere along the way these people struggled to know what was right and what was wrong. Society, especially American society, is so focused on having individual freedoms that it is hard to agree on moral actions anymore. If it is right to have six other guys on the side for Blake, maybe I am stupid to worry about something as small as returning a coin to the metro station merchant. All I know is, it is wrong to hurt other people. If it would cause the guy dropping his coin to not have enough money for dinner, for me to take it away would be simply injustice. It would hurt Avery to find out about Blake, injustice.

Liars, cheaters, traitors. They are all around. Do not stay silent if you know it is hurting someone.

Tea break for a foggy brain.

I have never been the one to like Sundays. I will blame it on being a morning person. Sundays mean sleeping in, having a huge breakfast and relaxing. I doubt that I know how to relax…at least for most of the time. I get up early, get going with my plans for the day. Not that I require a fully planned day but just because if I am not constantly busy, I just do not know what to do. I hope some of you relate… or else I am a freak (I don’t really mind).

Lately, my daily flow has been a little hard on me (It’s been interrupted…Do you think I have OCD?). Life happens. Lately, it has been hard on the people around me. I have found myself in the ER, being woken up at 3 a.m., when one of the closest people to me was scared as anything. My papa went through a small surgery. I do not know if I perfectly did what a daughter should do. Clearly, I do not do well with these situations. I am reminded of how fragile life is. Am I being supportive enough, Am I doing what am I supposed to? What do you do in these situations?

I lost my grandfather last year. I could not physically attend the funeral. Please, no pity. I hate myself for it and that is okay too.  I do not like to be reminded of death. I am just feeling tense today, let me see if pouring it out on a word document will help. Continue reading “Tea break for a foggy brain.”

Sitting still.

Good morning.

As I sit down here, finishing up with my second bowl of cereal, I have to be honest, I am not sure where this post is going. I might be mocking myself a little today. I am feeling somewhat blue but nothing unfixable. Let me try to explain without giving out much detail. Past week has been… lazy nights, lazy mornings, showing some love to the house I am in, kitchen kitchen kitchen, yummy smells, extremely hot weather, hands together and so much love that I felt full in my heart.

I am grateful. I wait for this kind of time every year for it to last only a few days. Some of you might relate. Continue reading “Sitting still.”

A heart from rose

When I was a little one, there was a feeling that did not quite have a name. I would describe it as if I was in a tiny square dark room, one that is drawn by a charcoal artist that liked keeping the edges a lot darker. Shadows I suppose, some may say they make the picture look a lot less lonely, and the room a little wider. I quickly learned about feelings and how you must know why you feel this way or that way, and fix it, as mom says. This feeling I could not quite fix. Continue reading “A heart from rose”